Reflecting....

Why do teenage girls bother me so much?  Because in my child I never felt comfortable in my teens?! It is an area of my life I was not successful in in?  Did I jump to adulthood to soon?

I know I made poor choices as a teen.  I really do believe now in abstinence before marriage.  The sexual act was never meant to be shared with multiple partners.  It ruined me for all my future relationships.  Which I obviously have not done well at.  I would have been better off saving myself for marriage and having that Christ like love in my life for all my life instead of being alone at 55, with a broken family.

Could you have told me this at 16?  NO.  I would not have listened.  Should I have just married my first?  I doubt it would have lasted for me because of my "free love " state.  Or maybe my Lutheran upbringing would have kicked in and I would have worked as hard on that marriage as I did with Pat.

It doesn't matter now.  The past is done and I am forgiven.  I still must go through the consequences of my poor choices.

Anyway I am insecure in my presence around teens because I revert to my insecure child....

Of course another thought I had was I'm probably such a good KG and first grade teacher because my child never grew beyond that age!

I'm just lonely.  I think it is because I've been used to having someone around for better or worse 31 years.  It gives me lots of time to think.

On Thinking Upon Worms

Oh Worm,
residing in dirt,
chewing life in a toothless mouth,
excreting pellet remains.


(An owl of a mouse,
sinew entwined with bone, ovals of indigestible waste:
Death Wreathes.)



Your trace,
compacts into tunnels,
surface to bedrock.
No eyes to see
no ears to hear
just vibrations of terror-
the mole victorious!




Oh Worm!
death surrounds you,
above,
below,
your suicide on cement,
your protracted body,
noose-like in death,
a sodden spasm.


The silence in thunder
and the whimper of lightening.


O Death, you worm,
you litter my path.
I dodge your corpses,

I tip toe
around your limp remains.
Ignore the fossil prints,
etched on cement.
You are everywhere I look.


You are the worm in gall,

the absinthe:
green death in carpets above.
The wormwood of dirt,
pattering the bronze,
dimming the lights,
making passages through bone.


Oh Worm!
Compost my body!
Make soil of my remains!
My breath, fleet feet,
you cannot catch,
coalesces in the heavens!

For all I am is dirt on earth
and breath in heaven above.

The rain that drives
to drown
lays on  amalgamated
surface,
the leachate formed by body and water,
rebirthing.

Oh Worm!  Oh Death!
Fear not thy grave!

Idolatry

“Idolatry is death, both now and forever. False gods devour their devotees. Men who seek their lives in food and drink, in work and play, in religion or irreligion are consumed by the gods they make and by the “liturgy of anxiety” they offer to those gods. They lose, but never find, their lives. this is not to say that idolaters have no dealings with God. He indeed deals with them, sustaining their lives in a particular relationship to Himself. In fact, it is God’s presence and activity which threaten men in these very points of contact with their lives. Anxiety in men is not groundless. Men cannot control their lives, yet they do not trust God for their lives. Anxiety is the liturgy of their idolatry.”

–Kenneth F. Korby in “The Church at Worship” in The Lively Function of the Gospel, (Concordia, 1966). p 60.

A Milestone?

Yesterday was a day full of triggers for depression.  I am glad to say I made a conscious decision to face them and work through them instead of avoiding them.  It probably is one of those 1 step forward kind of deals.  I am just happy that I was able to do it and it wasn't bad.  There is progress in my life.

First of all, I stayed home, accept for a dash to get my light treatment.  To be frank, I am sick of people right now and needed to be alone.  During the Higher Things trip there was not much "alone" time.  Besides being tired, the constant time with other people contributed to my crankiness.  I recognized this and tried to keep a rein on the "bitchiness".  I did not always succeed.

In order to preserve friendships and my sanity I needed a day alone to catch up on living.  I needed to do laundry, clean, and put things away. I caught up on Face
book and friended my new friends.  I still struggle though with too much think time on my hands.  I resisted the urge to go anywhere because:

Pat wants half the family pictures and my goal is to get them all scanned this summer.  It is difficult to look at the boys and and Pat when we were young and a family.  It is such a contrast to where I am right now.  I plowed my way through it and finished one album.  (Circa 1994-95)  One good thing that was reaffirmed for me is that I was and am a good mother.

The boys still don't talk to me much.  I was very hurt and disappointed that Tim did not contact me in any form while I was in S. California.  They are just not cutting me any slack in anything.  I am trying to stay in my adult and not lash out.  Everyone keeps assuring me they will come back again someday.  It is easy to doubt and harder to have faith.  I am determined to keep the lines of communication open and keep working on myself.  My life is not tied up in their lives anymore.

Then I finally got a hold of my lawyer's office.  I was beginning to think he had skipped town.  It has been three months since he has communicated with me.  No returned calls or emails either.  I talked to the secretary yesterday and did finally find out the court date.  I had two different conflicting dates in the paperwork.  My court date is August 24, 2012.

It is ludicrous to me that I even have to got through a court date.  Pat is insistent on not splitting his retirement with me.  He is trying to prove that my PERS retirement is going to be so much more in the future that he should not have to split his retirement with me.

When I asked the secretary if I needed to bring anything she told me my latest PERS statement.  (Which I had already sent back in May.  Yes my lawyer really is paying attention to me! NOT!)
Also she wanted to know how  much my PERS was when we got married to tell Pat's lawyer,  The thing is, and as I have told them, I did not start teaching till my 40's.  I only have 14 years in PERS.  Ludicrous!

I have already decided I am not spending any more on lawyers and I'm just going to let the judge decide.  I think I am being the reasonable one here.  All in all, God is the one in control and He WILL take care of me just as He has always done.

It did bring up feelings of panic, anger, and fear.  I resisted the urge to talk to anyone else about it.  I will go through this and I will stay in my adult.  I will probably talk to someone about it this week but not yet.  Though I am talking about it now with all of you!

I also did my yoga which has it's own memories attached to it.  It's getting easier to examine those memories as I stretched.  The body felt good afterwards. The brain was easier to calm down.

I ended the evening getting all the pictures scanned in one album.  I sat down and watched "The Closer" for the first time in a year.  I got out the next photo album and started removing pictures.  (It is one of those old magnetic bad ones so I had to be careful not to tear.)  I would say it is circa1991?  It was the house addition and Jan's graduation in Omaha, Nebraska.

I got to bed at 10:30 and slept.  I had 1 "nightmare" about teaching VBS.  Guess I'd better start prepping for that!  (grin!)

Yes I am alone but yet not alone.  I am a family of 1 in my immediate family.  I am one of many in my Father's family.  I am loved.

Next Steps

Tonight I watched TV and read a book on commercials .  A new step.....

Twelve

I just got back from the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod( LCMS) Higher Things, youth conference Twelve, in Irvine, CA at Concordia University.  Needless to say I am exhausted!  We did not get much sleep on this trip, starting with the train ride to LA last Sunday.  The earliest I got to bed all week was 10:30 one night.  Most nights were after 12 with breakfast at 7:30 which meant getting up at 6:30  Also I swear using your brain is more exhausting then physical activity.

Rev George Borghardt and our teens

It was a thrilling and disturbing experience for me.  Thrilling in the sense I thrive on studying Lutheran and historic Christian theology.  Disturbing in the sense I was tired and prone to crabbiness and dealing with "young" people.  There is a lot to reflect on - intellectually and personally.

Dining on the train

Ironically, the kids I thought would bother me so much I actually enjoyed more than the others.  We had 3 fourteen year olds, 3 sixteen year olds, 1 seventeen year old, 1 eighteen year old and 1 nineteen year old and a pastor of 38.  The fourteen year olds I thought would be a pain but I actually enjoyed them very much.  The boys were ok.  I understand boys better than girls since I raised 3 of them.  It was the older girls I found annoying.  But I think part of that may be my own reaction to situations.

Pastor Percy LA train station

Rev William Cwirla Worship 101

 I made a point to meet all the Pastors I have enjoyed in social networks and media.  ( Also lay people)  I also made a point to compliment and talk to the Pastors and presenters that did such a good job of catechises. Once again I found that by sincerely talking and expressing my appreciation of their presentations I made an impression on them as much as they made an impression on me.

I just believe that we don't tell people enough about how well they do their jobs- vocations.  I make a point to express appreciation for what talents God has given to them.  People are so quick to criticize and so so slow to compliment.  I make sure to tell people about how well they do their vocation.  Sincerely too!

I made it a point to meet my heroes and to express my joy and appreciation of what I heard.  I met Rev. Jonathon Fisk, of Worldview Everlasting, (http://www.worldvieweverlasting.com/category/vlog/)

I met Rev. William Cwirla and Rev. Craig Donofrio  (feed://godwhisperers.org/feed/podcast/)

(http://godwhisperers.org/about/)  Hey I'm a distant relative of Craig's wife!  

Rev. Jonathan Fisk, Worldview Everlasting

Rev Joel Fritsche

I've finally decided I am a Pastor "groupie".  I am just like Mary sitting at Jesus' feet to hear him talk.  I'm not the Martha anymore.  This 30 something group of confessional liturgical Pastors amaze and delight me with their understanding of Law and Gospel, Saint and Sinner theology.

The amazing Pastors I heard were:  Rev. Kurt Onken of Marysville, WA.  Rev. Dr. Steven Mueller of Concordia University Irvine, Ca.  Rev. George Borghardt, Rev. Joel Fritsche, Rev. Ryan  Ogrodowicz,  Chris Rosbrough, Sandra Ostrapowich, Rev. Grant Knepper, and Rev. Mark Buetow.

Rev Mark Buetow

Chris Rosebrough

Other Pastors I talked too Rev. Eric Lange, Rev. Dan Freeman, Rev. Peter Ledic, and Rev. Mark Pierson. 

Higher Things tattoos

Oh my the organist Dr. William Heide  was magnificent, amazing, fantastic, awesome, intuitive, musician!  

Then there  was Pastor Lange's Vicar from Solomon, KS, home church - Faith in Abilene, KS, Nathan Knaus.  A  Facebook friend I got to meet, a missionary from Africa the Rev. James May.  

I talked to many more wonderful people and will be sharing more as I reflect on my notes.

  It is truly awesome to be a Missouri Synod Lutheran and use the brain God has given me to learn about Him and our awesome heritage. I communed with the fellowship of Saints both in heaven and on earth.  I sang my theology and worship my triune God.  I heard glorius music.  I laughed. I was in awe. I questioned.  I built new pathways in my brain!  I examined my past, was filled with regrets for my history, and was forgiven for my poor choices. I am loved here on earth and in heaven.  God loved ME so much He sent His son Jesus Christ to take my sins to the cross, die, and then rise on the 3rd day so I too can rise to be with HIM!  There is NOTHING I can do to earn my salvation.  It is God's gift to me.  

So now I need to reflect on why young teenage girls bother me so much.  What do I need to do to not only understand this but change it.  It was my child and I did not have as much control of her as I could have.  I do know being tired makes it difficult to stay in my adult.

At Balboa Park

I really like this!

This is who I am in Christ!

So many people have told me they see strength when they see me.  I marvel at this because I don't see it yet - at least all the time.  But if they see strength in me it is because of my faith in Jesus Christ.  In Him I can do anything!

And let me teach the young people and give them hope, strength, and fun!

And let them teach me....

And there is strength in the friends we have and our relationships!