There is nothing wrong with me!

I know there is nothing wrong with me when I can have such great friends that are in their 20's!  It is not me but my children that have the problem.  When young men and women can hug me and tell me how great I am and my own children can't even talk to me, I  know it is not my problem.  God help them to  get over whatever grudge they are holding against me for being their mother.  I know I was not and am not a bad mom.

I hope someday they can get over whatever perceived evil I have done to them and accept me as their mom who did her best.

Meanwhile I will bask in the young men who hug me and defend me, and the young women who want to hang out with me and who accept me for who I am.  If I can't have my children who I love with all my life in my life I will have the family of friends who do love me.

Dang. Dang. Dang! Math tears again!

I really thought I was over it.  I bounced into class on Tuesday feeling self-confident and ready to be successful at math.  After all, I have taken this class before.  I should be able to do the math and do the teacher thing.  I've been in the math studio for 3 years.  I was not going to arrogant about it.  I was not going to spill to the first timers I had already started this journey and was totally sold on the program.  I've seen the results.  (For those of you who don't know my background read this blog entry:   http://basicallybarb.blogspot.com/2013/04/math-studio-3-years-later.html)

It was "the math" that undid me.

The day started with the discussion of the article  "Redefining Sucess in Mathematics Teaching and Learning" by Margaret Smith.  It was our homework.  In our smaller plenary (it amuses me to no end that I had heard this word before, and it was at the Higher Things Lutheran You Conference.  Lutherans are all about academics!) We were spit into groups of three to find the three  most important parts to us and then discuss them in a go around.  When we joined back into the plenary we would have to connect our number one with the previous groups number one.

The article is about one teachers releasing her control of the classroom(teaching and telling) to let the students  engage themselves in the learning.  The teacher's responsibility is to create worthwhile tasks that challenge the students, creates some frustration(disequilibrium), and helps to develop their stamina to persevere.  These changes do not happen over night.  

the students were used to the teacher feeding them the answers when they didn't get it.  The teacher found she had to rewrite some of the lessons and break them down into smaller steps.  She felt that once the students started have more success she could up the cognitive demand.  She also learned though there needs to be a gradual release of that support and the students build up their stamina in problem solving.

One of my number one "A Ha!" moments  was holding the students accountable for their own learning.  "The class was responsible for understanding the solutions," and if they didn't it was their responsibility to ask questions till  they did understand.  (This part is important for what happens to me later on.)  

I loved the table that was included in the article, "Key Elements in Henderson's Efforts to Redefine Sucess for Herself and Students."  My quote that I starred,

"Students have a responsibility and an obligation to make sense of mathematics by asking questions when they do not understand and by being able to explain and justify their solutions and solution paths when they do understand."

It was stressed that students need to be able to persevere and seek more when they are stuck. Real growth comes from stuck points and mistakes.When students don't give up and keep working it is like it cements the math to the brain.  The teacher facilitates the learning.  By asking questions and by having other students involved in the discourse the teacher can let the student come to the discovery. (NO FUNNELING ALLOWED!)   It is  a peer learning experience.

What strikes me the most about this article are the changes the teacher makes in the classroom. It is a release of control and a gift to the students.  The student's become their own best teachers.  It's what makes learning stick!  It is all based on brain research!

The last point I really liked was on reflecting on the teacher's practises in the classroom. A  teacher should not be alone in this endeavor or reflection.  It is critical to have the support of colleagues to bounce these experiences off of and even lesson plan together.  An Instructional math coach  is also a great resource to have in the school.

What does this have to do with math tears? Well, I spent time reading, underlining and discussing this article.  It was kind of stuck like cement in my brain.  I could not ignore what I read.

Right before lunch our instructor set us up for the math.  Yesterday we covered the properties of division.  We spent a good 45 minutes discussing the attributes of a right triangle, nonright triangle, parallelogram, and a trapezoid.  We made a public record.  The actual problem was going to be creating a formula for finding the area of any parallelogram, right triangle, nonright triangle, and or trapezoid.  All of these would have to be justifiable

We could only use the formula for area of a square, our public record, and paper triangles we could fold and cut.  Everyone in the group must be able to justify the formula.  Everyone needed to work together.  We counted off , and I was a four along with 3 other men.  One was Woody so I knew I could count on him to explain to me.  I was in a panic already about doing the math.  I announced right on that I would need help.

We got back from lunch and 2 of them were already cutting out the triangles.  The younger man was already saying we should start by making a parallelogram out of the 2 non right triangles.  It was this discourse between the two of them.  I tried to help out by taping and tracing the pieces but the man did not like it and ripped it off.  I asked them 3 different times to slow down and explain to me what they were doing.  I was ignored until the 3rd gentlemen asked me if I understood what they were doing?  I said no. You are going to fast for me.

My first gut reaction was to just sit there and give up.  They were not including me, and they were not answering my questions very well.  I did not do this because of "I am responsible for my own learning" and that means asking questions.  I tried.  I really did try to be responsible for my learning.

All I could think of was how sorry I felt for his students if this was an example of his teaching.

Woody finally did try to explain it to me, but it was too late.  Dang it,  once the tears start I don't seem to have any control over them.  I went to sob gently in the handicap stall in the women's bathroom.  Later Jessica talked me off "my ledge" and I was able to go back into the classroom and sit at the table.

I am dismayed that once again I could not control my math phobia.  I feel confident in my teaching but I am still not a "mathematician"!

Math moments!

What a difference 3 years make in my math mind! 

"Hey look, mom, no tears!"

I have been enjoying this class because I have a schema now!  Background!  Experience!  Success!  What a difference it makes!

Now I think of things in terms of what I am actively doing in my classroom and how successful it feels.  This year has really jelled something for me!  I feel much stronger in my teaching practice while still admitting to gaps in my math knowledge.

Today I noticed with the math problem, 12 divided by ¼, I immediately wanted to do the algorithm, but knew I needed to draw a picture first.  I have no background in drawing models really till I entered Math Studio.  I don’t get them, and I’m not sure how to draw them.  Yet they are essential to conceptual learning.  It is too valuable of a piece to deny children.

So I drew out my 12 boxes and divided them vertically to show the ¼.  Then I did not know what to do.

I moved on to the algorithm where I know you multiply the reciprocal with the denominator?  (Don’t ask me why, I just memorized the procedure.)  I did that and came up with 48, which just seemed WRONG to me!

Next I started sneaking peaks at Woody’s paper.  (WOW 6^th grade math teacher!!!!)  He divided his into squares, which really made more sense to me then what I had drawn.  I still didn’t know what to do with the ¼’s though.  Then Woody said something that changed my math life. 

“ Students don’t understand that sometimes when you divide you get a bigger number, like with fractions.”

Stop the press!  Hold your horses!  What??!!!  It clicked.  It’s going to be a bigger number like 48 because of the many pieces.  I still didn’t get though why we were dealing with all 4 pieces and not the ¼ piece.

Woody spoke again:

“I find that if I put the problem into an everyday situation my students get some understanding.”

He told me this story:

“I have 12 yards of ribbon.  ¼ of a yard makes a bow.  How many bows can I make?  48!”

That made sense to me!!!!!!

I was looking at the whole being one of the 12 instead of the whole being 12.

What really was my major “A Ha” moment was the story using money.  I understand fractions in money!!  (Why I have never connected and transferred that money knowledge to fractions I don’t know!)

“I have $12.00.  How many quarters would that be?”

48!

Real life stories are important in math!  In fact, the graphic organizer we used, (Can you call them graphic organizers in math?) had 4 different ways to represent 12 divided by ¼.

I need to make sure I make those connections for my students.  (I wonder if that is why Bridges spends a lot of time with students producing stories to match equations? Betcha it is!)

Quote I wrote down:

“  Productive struggle comes from solving problems within reach.”

With using 4 different ways to solve the problem it gives students multiple entryways to the problem.  If I can just figure out one of the ways I should be able to figure out the rest.

I wonder if I could come up with one for 1^st grade?

“Mathematician!”

Job

I could feel like Job today if I let myself.  Man, I am using all my mental health strategies as hard as I can today because I cannot let myself go to that deep dark place anymore. I am crying, but I am also talking to God, family, friends, and myself.

First of all, I found out on June 4 from a big envelope in the mail, that I was actually divorced on May 7, 2013.  My lawyer never bothered to inform me that I was divorced until he sent me the stipulated signed judgement paper.  Furthermore, I found out from Pat that he got the money from the house sale that my lawyer put in trust , a week ago.  I have not received my share.  The stipulated judgment papers contained errors and he did not change the things he told me he would change.

God does provide us with friends that help.  My old neighbor from Sterling Creek just happens to be a divorce layer and offered to help me go through the papers and tell me what to do.  She so lovingly and graciously walked me through the whole thing, explaining it to me.  She also helped me prepare a list of things I need to do.  I have a plan now.  I am executing that plan now.  Unfortunately, my lawyer has not even bothered to return my phone calls.

I plan to show up Monday, and the check had better be ready.

So after thinking through things, talking with God, friends, and family and working out (all mental health strategies) I arrived at a sort of peace and self confidence in myself.  These are good feelings.

I walked my dog this morning, checking my emails, and I have an email from my brother in law asking me if my youngest son Chuck got married yesterday.  He saw it on Facebook.  Even though I have suspected all along that Chuck would try to hurt me this way, it was a blow.  So I sent out text messages to see what the other boys knew and what Pat knew.  Pat texted me back and confirmed that Chuck got married yesterday.

So I have been crying off and on all morning.  It hurts so much that he did not tell me or invite me, his own mother, to his wedding. (OK having a Job moment right now)  Most importantly though, I went into my adult and my positive self talk.

I am so glad he married Val.  I like Val.  He has lived with her for 2 years, and I just could not understand why he didn't marry her if he loved her.  I texted him Congratulations and God's blessings on his marriage.  I also called him and left a message about how happy I am for both of them!  And I mean it.

Then I called my mommy and cried.


I sent text messages to my sisters informing them of the marriage.  I announced on Facebook he got married.  I stole his picture off facebook to post.  I was positive and happy about it, all the while sobbing inside.

Today I will go and work out.  I will call my counselor for an appointment.  Tomorrow I will go to Divine Service and get absolution from my sins and the Sacrament of Communion. I will remember my Baptism and how Christ suffered for me and knows my pain. I will listen to God's Word for me, and I know I will get peace from HIM! I will get hugs and love from all my friends.  I will chant my verse over and over in my head:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."  Proverbs 3:5

Because I don't understand it.  I know I was and am a good mom.  I can't even begin to see how this will work its way out.  I know I cannot lean on my own understanding because I don't understand it.  God does, and He has a plan for me and my life. All I can do is trust.


I know the pain will fade eventually.  I need to not feel sorry for myself.  I need to not be bitter and angry.  I need to stay in my adult.  I need to be proactive in my mental health strategies.  I need to pray and TRUST in God for my life.

Well, that's that.

I found out through the mail yesterday that I was officially divorced on May 7, 2013.  Congrats to me!

On the way to work....

One of the worst times for thinking for me is the drive to work.  It's only about a 10 minute drive, but I wind up in tears a lot.  There is something about the early morning reflection of my life that just seems so tear inducing, whether it is the divorce or the alienation from my children. I think I need to PRAY more and SING louder!

Unfortunately, I got a big envelope from the lawyer that I need to read, and I am torn between ANGER, sadness, bitterness, and relief.  I'd like to feel more of the RELIEF!  

Sterling Creek

I went back to Sterling Creek after being gone for over a year.  It was the neighbor's annual party, and I was invited.  It has been over 2 years since I've been back to Sterling Creek.

At this party I would see neighbors from Sterling Creek and the Applegate.  People who have children the same age as mine and who went to Ruch School and South Medford High School.  A year ago I just could not face it and the memories associated with the party.  The pain of children who don't talk to me and a failed marriage.  There are too many memories in the evergreen and deciduous trees that stud the mountains surrounding 5151 Sterling Creek Road.

Of dogs and cats long dead that hiked with me and toddlers up through the sage bushes and fir and pine trees.  Of the pussy willow in February, the morels amidst the oak and manzanita savannah, the elderberries in July, with the red-headed woodpecker heckling the tree, and dry pine needles and scarlet poison oak in August.  Boys laughing at grasshoppers pinging in a coffee can.  Alligator  and blue belly lizards in grubby little hands showing them off too me.  Of Johan proudly sharing a garter snake with me in the house.  ( I screamed and said don't you ever do that to me again!) Wet shoes and shorts from catching tadpoles in the neighbor's pond and being amazed at the voracious appetite of the dragon fly nymphs that ate the tadpoles. Then there were ant lions, preying mantis, the squirrels that big kitty caught and ate, gophers the dogs could never catch, bobcats in the chicken coop, and mean roosters attacking little boys.  Baby bunnies, and little pigs fed by little boy's hands.

This year I decided to see what feelings would happen with the visit to the party.  Would it be like the tongue anxiously feeling the hole where a tooth used to be ? Or would it just be a passing thought and an

"Oh well...  this is really over."

Maybe a sniff and a regret?  A bit of bitterness?

I was welcomed with open arms by neighbors and friends.  People talked to me.  Some lessor known neighbors never even knew I had moved or split up from Pat.  No one had met the person who bought the place.  They all told me the house was for sale again.  That got me more than anything.

All in all, I felt like I was still a part of the neighborhood and still friends.  It was good to reconnect with the people that had been so much a part of my life.  The worst was always having to answer the questions about how the boys were doing.  I would have to admit that only Johan was talking to me.  I can't even begin to explain to them I don't understand why they won't talk to me.  Then to listen to their astonishment that the divorce is still not final and their anger that I have to pay spousal support.  I am surprised at how much they care and why should I feel like people don't  care for me?  Is that a legacy from my failed marriage?

One wise person told me tonight it was not anything I did to one of the boys.  Why was it my fault?  It is their problem and not something I caused.  It still doesn't stop the hurt.

As I left the party I had invitations to other social events and lots of hugs.  I drove by the old place to see if there really was a "For Sale" sign.  I slowed way down, and almost caught myself stopping to get the mail!  I did not see the sign, but I saw the house I called home for so long.  It tugged I have to admit.

I took the bumpy road home.  The road we took the boys home on so many times after trips to town. I stuck my tongue down that hole in my mouth to feel all the missing parts of the tooth.  I felt all of the above.  Yes, I have moved on in my life.  Yes I do miss being a part of the Sterling Creek community.  Yes, I do like living in a town now.  I miss being a mom and a wife, but I also love being my own person, independent, self reliant, attractive, and a person with very many good friends.

So time does heal.  Am I healed yet?  No.  I am in progress though...