I know this sounds petty, trivial even, but it was important to me. There is a part of me that is just a traditionalist, especially when it came to my marriage. I took such great pride in my marriage.
"Hey look at me! I've been married to the same man for blah blah years!"
I was proud of being married so long and I was proud to be a mom. I put my everything into being a wife and a mom. I changed myself to make it work. I would even be so bold to say I made an idol out of being a wife and mom.
You know what happens to our idols? That is why we have the first commandment. They get taken away. Before that happened there was the 25th wedding anniversary.
From what I gathered the children are suppose to throw a party for the 25th wedding anniversary. I know people put their pictures in the paper with an announcement. I wanted that so badly. I wanted the wedding picture with the 25th anniversary picture and the cute little announcement how the children threw their parents a party to celebrate.
What happens when the children are 3 boys? What happens when the husband thinks it is stupid or doesn't think it is anything that important to celebrate? You get nothing.
I just gave up trying. I was so beaten down by my husband's attitude and the attitude of my boys. It felt silly and stupid to want a celebration of 25 years of marriage. I was mocked for wanting such a thing so I gave it up.
There was no picture or announcement in the paper. There was no party put on by the children. There wasn't even a card. I can't even remember if we did anything at all on our 25th. I buried my hurt, made excuses for my boys and my husband. It hurt.
Fast forward 5 years later to our 30th wedding anniversary. Again I wanted something special to commemorate being married to the same man for 30 years. It was quite an accomplishment, don't you think?
I remembered thinking it would be really cool to have a special photograph done of Pat and myself. We were going up to Portland to see our youngest son, Chuck. Chuck has a friend who is a professional photographer and I made arrangements for us to have a photo session.
We got to Chuck's house, and the conflict started. For alcoholics it is always about when they can have that first drink and how quickly the buzz can come on. Next comes the personality change from the combination of prescription drugs and alcohol. The son and father start fighting as the father tries to exert his will upon his son's household. The women try to calm and diffuse the situation only to be mocked and told to stay out of it.
The photograph session becomes the hot spot for both of them. A person just gets worn down. I called and cancelled the photo session. I was mocked again for even wanting to have such a thing done to celebrate a wedding anniversary. It was ugly and sordid, and I felt shamed.
All I could see of my future was being married to a man who only wanted to stay home and drink every night. Whenever I was around my sons anymore it was them mocking me and putting me down just like their dad did to me. I was defeated.
I just wanted that anniversary picture in the paper. I wanted that party put on by the kids. I wanted to be loved by husband and my children. I wanted them to show me that love in an obvious way. I got nothing.
I started counseling to find a way to stay married to this man. Along the way I found myself again. I lost my marriage of 32 years. I have 3 sons who barely communicate with me. I don't have a family anymore, and that is all I ever really wanted.
I have myself. I have the understanding now I can only change myself, no one else. I am alone- my idols destroyed.
My friends, my adopted family, are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in April. Their children are putting a party on for them. I am sick with envy. I cried. I wrote these words.
I called all three of my sons today. No one answered. No one called back. I am alone.
I think I want a fancy photograph of me and my dog, Queenie. I'll hang it on the wall. Probably won't get in the newspaper.
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