Petty

I know this sounds petty, trivial even, but it was important to me.  There is a part of me that is just a traditionalist, especially when it came to my marriage.  I took such great pride in my marriage.

"Hey look at me!  I've been married to the same man for blah blah years!"

I was proud of being married so long and I was proud to be a mom.  I put my everything into being a wife and a mom.  I changed myself to make it work.  I would even be so bold to say I made an idol out of being a wife and mom.

You know what happens to our idols?  That is why we have the first commandment.  They get taken away.   Before that happened there was the 25th wedding anniversary.

From what I gathered the children are suppose to throw a party for the 25th wedding anniversary. I know people put their pictures in the paper with an announcement.  I wanted that so badly.  I wanted the wedding picture with the 25th anniversary picture and the cute little announcement how the children threw their parents a party to celebrate.

What happens when the children are 3 boys?  What happens when the husband thinks it is stupid or doesn't think it is anything that important to celebrate?  You get nothing.

I just gave up trying.  I was so beaten down by my husband's attitude and the attitude of my boys.  It felt silly and stupid to want a celebration of 25 years of marriage.  I was mocked for wanting such a thing so I gave it up.

There was  no picture or announcement in the paper.  There was no party put on by the children.  There wasn't even a card.  I can't even remember if we did anything at all on our 25th.  I buried my hurt, made excuses for my boys and my husband.  It hurt.

Fast forward 5 years later to our 30th wedding anniversary.  Again I wanted something special to commemorate being married to the same man for 30 years.  It was quite an accomplishment, don't you think?

I remembered thinking it would be really cool to have a special photograph done of Pat and myself.  We were going up to Portland to see our youngest son, Chuck.  Chuck has a friend who is a professional photographer and I made arrangements for us to have a photo session.

We got to Chuck's house, and the conflict started.  For alcoholics it is always about when they can have that first drink and how quickly the buzz can come on.  Next comes the personality change from the combination of prescription drugs and alcohol.  The son and father start fighting as the father tries to exert his will upon his son's household.  The women try to calm and diffuse the situation only to be mocked and told to stay out of it.

The photograph session becomes the hot spot for both of them.  A person just gets worn down.  I called and cancelled the photo session.  I was mocked again for even wanting to have such a thing done to celebrate a wedding anniversary.  It was ugly and sordid, and I felt shamed.

All I could see of my future was being married to a man who only wanted to stay home and drink every night.  Whenever I was around my sons anymore it was them mocking me and putting me down just like their dad did to me.  I was defeated.

I just wanted that anniversary picture in the paper.  I wanted that party put on by the kids.  I wanted to be loved by husband and my children.  I wanted them to show me that love in an obvious way.  I got nothing.

I started counseling to find a way to stay married to this man.  Along the way I found myself again.  I lost my marriage of 32 years.  I have 3 sons who barely communicate with me.  I don't have a family anymore, and that is all I ever really wanted.

I have myself.  I have the understanding now I can only change myself,  no one else.  I am alone- my idols destroyed.

My friends, my adopted family, are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in April.  Their children are putting a party on for them.  I am sick with envy.  I cried.  I wrote these words.

I called all three of my sons today.  No one answered.  No one called back.  I am alone.

I think I want a fancy photograph of me and my dog, Queenie.  I'll hang it on the wall.  Probably won't get in the newspaper.

Stirring up the Disequalibrium

The past 2 days I have had to see my husband or talk to him over the phone.  I find this very unsettling. As confident as I am feeling in myself now I still get moments of vulnerability around him.  It stirs up my disequilibrium and I have to calm myself down.

We are trying to get our vehicles out of joint ownership.  I am taking a loan out on my car to pay off the 401K loan he has on it, plus I am able to pay off two other debts.  By consolidating all my debt into 1 payment it will give me the amount I will need to pay him spousal support.  It feels good to be in control of my finances.

What doesn't feel good is to have to look at him, hear him, and converse with him.  There is sadness, disbelief, and disequilibrium.  He wore overalls today, unbuttoned on the side to allow for weight gain. His face is puffy.  His voice raspy.  He can still talk it and charm other people. He mentioned being allergic to gluten in his conversation with loan officer.

Disbelief that he has changed so little.  Disbelief my marriage is over.  Second guessing my agreement to pay spousal support.  I don't see how I could have fought it.  I can't believe he has so little respect for himself that he even asked me for it.  How sad and low he has become.

The worst was when I asked him about his job and whether they were still trying to get rid of him. (I should NEVER EVER ask him about personal things because I will hear things I don't want to hear.)  Yes they are and they haven't because they think he is going to quit.  He's going to move, move in with Charles.  He implied Johan was moving too.

Immediately I was plunged into anguish and turmoil.  The boys talk to him.  They don't talk to me.  That  HURT!  I tried to immediately calm myself down with the thought of-

"Wait till Charles and Val have to live with him and take care of him."

I can't see Charles tolerating him for very long.  Val would have to get rid of her cat.  Is this why he wanted spousal support?  To be able to move in with Chuck?  Did he ask Johan if he could move in with him?  Is that why Johan is moving? I can't see Johan tolerating him either for very long. Is he dying?  How will he pay for medical care?

I cannot go there.  It hurts too much to think my boys hate me and want nothing to do with me.  I have to trust that someday they will come around and talk to me.  I need to remember I have a great support system here and he has no one but the boys.  I have to keep my eyes on the future and what I am doing with my life.

See what I mean by the stirring of disequilibrium?

We are doing our job with the finances.  I doubt my lawyer is doing his job as quickly.  He has to write the judgement.  Even Pat's lawyer cannot get a hold of him.  He has the proceeds from our house in a trust fund.  I want to see if we can get that money so we can pay off our joint debt.  After that I will be down to 1 payment.

Then I will take the budget class and get in control of my finances.  I will learn how and be successful at it because I have a growth mindset and not a fixed mindset!

I am going to keep my eyes on the "prize."  My new life...

DREAD

I am so dreading this next Friday- my court date.  I have not heard from my lawyer.  I don't know where the trial is, where to meet my lawyer, what time to be there, should I wear something special?  What should I expect?  What even happens!?  I'm not feeling very confident in my lawyer right now and it adds to my anxiety.

I wonder will this truly be the end?  How will it settle?  He revoked all other agreements so what does that mean for what I get?  I know the lawyer from up North will testify about the time/fraction ruling for PERS.  I know there is a legal precedence for the ruling.  But what happens to the other assets now?  What happens if nothing is settled?  Will there have to be ANOTHER court date far in the future?

Will I truly be divorced by this next Friday?

I do not want to cry in court.  I want to be in my adult.  I want to break down in private not public.

I can't go back to Pat the way he is now.  He has not changed and I can't live like that anymore.  I am a different person than I was a year ago.

I try not to worry about the money.  I fear there won't be anything left after all debt is settled.  My brain tries to skitter away from those thoughts.  I keep talking to God and repeat my mantra, "He will take care of me.  He always has taken care of me."

I am comforted by the thought that Pastor said he would be there with me.  I know I have great many friends praying for me also.  (Hey everyone out there I would appreciate prayers also.)

Then I worry about the boys.  They don't really speak to me now.  Will they ever again talk to me?  Will they always hold this against me?  Even though I am not the one who filed for divorce.  I did leave.  It was a safety issue even though they don't believe that of their dad.  They never saw him on both alcohol and prescription drugs.  For that matter I doubt Pat even remembers the things and actions he did to me.  I am to blame to for my lack of respect for him.

I want this to be over with without having to sit through court.  I want my boys to talk to me again.  I want the scab growing over the wounded skin.  Give me strength....