I have got to stop doing these Christmas vacations away from my support groups and mental health strategies! I love my family of mom, sisters, nephews and nieces, but the pain of the loss of my own boys is almost more than I can bear anymore. I am not suicidal, but I can truly see why people kill themselves during the holidays. We just want the pain to END.
It has been three years since I have seen any of my boys. I truly don't understand what I did to deserve this treatment. How can you treat your mom like she doesn't exist? I refuse to believe I was such a horrible mom or person. I won't believe it.
Now that I am home I can operate in my adult.
Next year I hope I can be stronger without crying everyday.
In my lowest moments I hate them for what they are doing to me on purpose. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive them?
So I thought of my poem, "Ascension" tonight because of the fog. I'm still there....