Sunday, December 29, 2013

Christmas Vacation

I have got to stop doing these Christmas vacations away from my support groups and mental health strategies!  I love my family of mom, sisters, nephews and nieces, but the pain of the loss of my own boys is almost more than I can bear anymore.  I am not suicidal, but I can truly see why people kill themselves during the holidays.  We just want the pain to END.

It has been three years since I  have seen any of my boys.  I truly don't understand what I did to deserve this treatment.  How can you treat your mom like she doesn't exist?     I refuse to believe I was such a horrible mom or person.  I won't believe it.

Now that I am home I can operate in my adult.

Next year I hope I can be stronger without crying everyday.

In my lowest moments I hate them for what they are doing to me on purpose. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive them?  

So I thought of my poem, "Ascension" tonight because of the fog.  I'm still there....