Sunday, September 30, 2012

It hurts

It hurts to know the past is all a lie- just things I imagined in my brain.  Survival mode?  I can't believe how much I relied on those memories to be true.  They are not.  It disrupts my time line - my life- to know that I don't mean as much to you as you meant to me,  Always in the back of my brain you were there- loving me.  Now I know that was not the case.  I am a silly goose to imagine love that was not there but only for a season.  I wanted that season to be always there and it can not be.  I love you.  I will always love you.  You took from me what I should have saved for marriage and I don't think I can ever be over that.  I hate what I did to myself and the lies I told myself.

I hate the lies I told myself in my marriage.  I tried so hard to make it work.

I am left with nothing.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


I just realized this afternoon that tomorrow is my 32 wedding anniversary.  I'm still not divorced.  I am still waiting on my lawyer to write the judgement.

I am disgruntled and edgy in my skin.

I am tired of waiting for things to happen.

I'm tired of waiting for my sons to show they love me and care about me.

I can't but help thinking it is a 4th commandment issue.  I know I was not that horrid of a parent.

I'm tired of waiting for my lawyer.

I want to move on with my life.  I want to experience what can be right about a relationship with a man.  I am ready to be appreciated by a man.

I want to have adventures.  Wine tasting.  Theatre.  Concerts. Walks on the beach.  Walks in the forest. Travel to different states and countries.  Art galleries in big cities.  Museums.  Zoos.  Coffee at Starbucks. Sitting in church together with his arms around my shoulder.  Communion at the altar.  Talks about theology. Walking hand in hand through a park.  Taking my dogs for a walk.  Going to a movie.  I want to live.

Saturday, September 15, 2012


"I think I can think about thinking.
I think that I know what that means.
It's all about metacognition,
what's going on in my brain."

So I experienced metacognition about my depression onslaught on Friday.  It was like I was hovering outside my brain watching it downshift to depression.  Far from being uncomfortable it was easier to recognize that I was feeling depression and not sink into self pity.  It was interesting.

Was it my adult watching my child get bummed?  Or was it another committee member watching the other getting depressed?  It was good to recognize I was getting depressed and to acknowledge it instead of giving into it.

I can even pinpoint the exact time the depression hit- 3:30, Friday afternoon when I realized I was going to have to come in Sunday to do lesson planning.  I acknowledged that I can't do my job well because there is too much to humanly do.  I am not superwoman teacher and unless I stay late every night and work both Saturday and Sunday I can't do my job well.

I find this very discouraging and depressing.  I love my job of teaching but I can't bring 26 children to grade level when 16 of them are intensive AND teach to the new Common Core standards.  Add to that math studio requirements, PLC homework(Professional learning committees) and LPA writing pieces. I just want to throw in the towel.

It's an odd storm of events that seem to conspire to failure.  Moving reading to the afternoon seems to invalidate research, and how do I double dose 3/4 of my classroom plus the students being sent to me from the 1/2 blend? That's another whole set of lesson plans to create to meet the needs of a diverse number of students.

Of course it does not help that I am in chronic pain with my back and am trying to hold out to Christmas break to do the surgery.

So I go to my light treatment for psoriasis after school because the trunk of my body is fully engaged in lesions from the stress of school.  (That's depressing too- a scabby body.)  I itch. I hurt. I scale.  What to do?

I decided on a nice bottle of S. Oregon wine and maybe a micro brew.  I stopped at Harry and David's and found a red and a white wine to try.  I did my grocery shopping and found a nice micro brew.  By then it was too late to cook because that would involve standing which was painful. I was having a difficult time walking with the back pain.  I needed something exotic in my world to go with my beverages.  I picked Sushi.

The beer was delicious and I loved the wasabi burn.  I could not find a comfortable way to sit so I laid on the floor to relieve my back.  I knew I had a date with Tylenol PM and my bed.  Those little shopping moves relieved my depression "cognition".

Another thing contributing to the "metacognition" was a conversation thread going online with my single confessional Lutheran ladies.  I was glad to hear them talk of missing sex and secret crushes they had on men.  It made them more human and more like me.  It also disturbed my feelings of being alone.  I can't even do any dating sites or anything like that yet because I am still not divorced.  Yes I take adultery seriously.  I am still married.

 I just long for that glow of feeling special to someone.  That sheen of attention where I feel alive in myself.  Where I feel beautiful and appreciated.  Where I don't feel alone.  Feelings that I hate having because I should be able to function on my own without the need of a man.  It must be a God-given hole in our hearts where we long to be a couple instead one alone.

I was so tempted to to sign up for a dating site just to have the attention of getting contacts from men who are interested in me.  Frankly the thought of dating terrifies me.  I have heard so many horror stories.  It creeps me out.  I don't even know what it would look like or feel like to date.  I did not do that well in my youth. The two men I had relationships with were so damaged that it took a toll on my self worth.  I don't even think I am capable of a "healthy" relationship yet.

Then I have this horrid dream where number 1 son is in the valley for a month and does not contact me.  It hurt.  It also reminded me once again of my broken relationship with my sons.

Things are just broken in my life and I need them healed.  The only one I can heal is myself.  I am doing that.  Maybe that is why the hovering of my metacognition outside my body tempered my feeling of depression.  I can't do my job- I can only do the best that I can and love my students.  I can't mend the relationship with my boys.  I can only wait for them to heal.  I can't date and I am probably not even ready to date.  I only have my God and myself and a ton of great friends!  That will have to be enough.

I know it gets easier.  It already has been easier to be alone.

By the way- the white wine was good- the red not so good.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


I so want to vent.  Then I think I'll just come off as a whiny bitchy school teacher... but really 28 first graders?  28, 6 year olds and I'm the only adult in the room?  Add the fact they only had a half day KG and were led around by the hand all the time??!!!  The only thing they do well is walk in line.  I turn my back on them and some get into the play dough, others go sharpen their pencils when I'm teaching.  I can not physically keep them safe.  One of them today I sent back to get his lunch money( we are like 50 feet from the cafeteria ) and he is found wondering the KG hall a building away.  Humm, take care of the 26 or walk the one to get his lunch money.  What am I suppose to do?

Then let's talk about buses!!!  Most of the buses are not listed on our desk top.  I spent a lot of time going through addresses matching buses.  I turn my back on one girl after pointing out her bus to her (like right in front of her) and she gets on the wrong bus!!  The other one I blew it on but like I said there is one of me and I'm not superwoman and I can't stay until 7 at night making sure everything is fool proof.  When we  walk in a line I swear it is a half block long.  I don't have the time to hold each and every hand while they do their work or job.

Too boot the rumor is the district will not hire another teacher because of the splits in 2nd grade and 3rd.  So we have 30 in one room, 28 in mine, and the one/two split has 26.  Really? After a year of half day KG you expect me to bring most of them to benchmark with 28 in my classroom????!!!!

They then changed math to morning and reading to afternoon.  That means I will loose 30 minutes of reading time on Wednesday and at least 10 -15 minutes of reading time getting them off the playground, watered and pottied, before I can start reading.  I will need to to go into science / social studies time to make up for that.  It is like they are throwing reading under the bus for math.  Which is more important?

Yet we are being required to meet all Common Core Standards this year in First grade.  They are making my job impossible to do!  I don't know how to do it all and do it well!

CRAP.  I just want to be able to teach a decent amount of students so we can all be successful.  Does no one get it besides teachers?

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Port Orford

I am in love with Port Orford, OR!  What a beautiful place!  I found my theme sign.  Yes I thought too much.  Still thinking, damn you!  Will you always haunt me every time I see beach?  You who only sees waves of grass?  You are now part of my debris.  I don't even know if you read this.  If you do, I will always love you though I can't be with you,  Bits and pieces of flotsam and jetsam.  Now my heart...

And damn you if you would have just been a man about it and told me the truth I would have at least had closure.  But the just going silent treatment is not only immature emotionally but cruel to me.  All I ever wanted was for you to just be honest with me.  I'm an adult.  I can take it.  Then at least I would be able to move on and give up hope.