Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The 2nd Christmas

For some reason I thought this Christmas would be easier than the the first Christmas of being single.  I was even prepared to stay in Medford this year.  Last year I ran to Nebraska to get away from the possibility of not seeing my sons or any family.  This year Jan was going to come out and spend Christmas with me.  At least that was the plan.

Jan and I decided though that we needed to spend Christmas with Mom in Nebraska because no one would be visiting her this year.  Jan finagled the ticket and got me a flight to Denver instead and we drove out to Campbell, NE together.  My other sister , Susan and her husband Joe, drove up from San Antonio, TX to join us for Christmas.  Terri and her husband Al and son Ben and girlfriend would come on the day after Christmas.  All of a sudden we were having a family Christmas.  It has been over 30 years for me since I have had a Christmas with Mom and sisters.

I had no inkling I was headed for an emotional dive.

Jan and I got to Campbell with temperature in the teens and snow and ice.  Mom had "signed" us up for the community choir for Christmas.  We came with a food list of Christmas goodies we wanted to eat.  The next day we went shopping for groceries and had choir practise.  We made Chex mix, carmel corn, and that spiced tea mix from the 70's.  I was feeling pretty good.

I started though having some flashbacks to last year..  I also fell right back into the pattern of envy, feelings of inadequacies, and being the "poor relation" amidst what appeared to be successful careers, marriages, and sons and daughters.  It was inevitable- I compared my life to the lives of my mom and sisters.  I knew I was doing it.  I also suspected I was over reacting and my perceptions were probably self made and not an accurate portrayal of my sisters.

My sisters spend time in Europe, travel the country, attend concerts and theatre, and have great retirement packages.  All their children have their Masters in their chosen careers.  Even my mom is happily married to a LCMS man who cherishes her and treats her like she is the most precious thing in the world.  My younger sister who has never married, has a successful nursing career with national recognition, a house full of antiques and collectibles, plenty of income to travel and gamble.

I compared all that to myself- no home, no nice possessions, not much of a retirement plan, no husband to cherish and love me, and sons who won't call me, text me, email me or visit me.  I have a good job but don't have much spare income to travel or buy nice things.  The green eyed monster was in full attack mode.  I knew it.  I knew was overreacting.  What I did not have was my support groups-church family and friends around me to lift me up.  I did not have my mental health strategies around me.  I really did not want to exercise in 11 degree weather by taking a walk.  I had no signal from A T and T to keep in touch with my support group.

So I cried off and on about everyday I was in Nebraska. I knew what I was doing to myself was unfair and wrong.  I could not seem to stop myself from making those unfair comparisons.

So when mom asked me to give up my bedroom to sleep on the couch so 2 of my sisters and their husbands had bedroom and the unmarried grandson and girlfriend would have the other bedroom.  I lost it.  I was angry, hurt and upset.  I spoke it and ran away to my room to cry.

In the end I did not have to give up my bed and my mom apologized.

Little did I know the worst was to come.

On December 24, in the Kmart parking lot in Kearney, NE I decided to call Johan in Alaska to compare temperatures.  (He had me beat- my 14 to his 0)  He answered his phone and I was able to talk to him and pass the phone to my mom and Jan.  Not only do my boys usually not answer their phones when I call they also don't talk to their Grandma either.  This gives me great pain.  (On her 80th birthday my three sons were the only grand kids to not call or talk to their Grandma.)

When I had sent the boys their Christmas packages I had told them the best Christmas package they could give me would be for them to call me on Christmas.  I knew my youngest would probably not call me because he had told me he wanted nothing to do with me or my family, though I have no idea what my family has done to him.  But I did expect to hear from my oldest.

I know I am bleeding all over this page but the act of writing helps me to clarify my feelings and analyze what is going on.  So hold the bandages the bleeding's almost done.

The next day I was checking my emails and decided to check in on Facebook.  Mom has wi fi so I could talk with my friends through FB.  About 4 months ago I decided to unfriend my sons on FB.  It was just too painful for me to see how they were doing through FB.  If they could not talk to me then I did not want to know what was going on in their lives.  It hurt too much.

Unbeknownst to me when I went into FB I was on my mom's page. The first thing I saw was my oldest had flown home to Medford and had not told me he was coming home.  I was destroyed.  He was at his mother-in-laws house for Christmas.  He did not tell me he was coming home.  He made no effort to call me, text me, or email me that he was coming home.  He also did not call me on Christmas day either.  I got nothing from my sons on Christmas.  I could not stop crying.

It had to be a deliberate thing - him not telling me or calling me.  What made it even worse was when people would ask me how my sons were doing and I would have to say,

"I don't know.  They don't talk to me."


Pride.  Jealousy.  Envy.  Anger.

I felt like Job.  Like God has striped me of everything I had pride in- my marriage, my children.

I did take comfort in that comparison because it reminds me of God's love for me like the love He also had for Job.  My head knows the Grace of God and His love for me.  I know He has a plan for me and that this too will pass.  My heart- my sinful nature- my old Eve- though cries in hurt, envy, jealousy, anger and pain.

I wanted it to be all about me but it was really all about the people around me.  I had nothing to talk with them about.  I had no point of reference with them.  I couldn't talk about marriage, kids, retirement, travel or my job.  I was alone  in the midst of my family and I wanted my Medford people around me to love and comfort me.

I wish I could say that the celebration of the babe in the manger gave me all the comfort I needed during this painful time.  But part of my Old Eve is the pure selfishness of feelings.  I wallowed in my tears.

I'm home in Medford now.  I have the love of my dog Queenie, my adopted family here, my teacher friends, my church, my pastor and I can't wait to talk this over with my counselor. Tomorrow I will work out and get the exercise my body and brain need to counter the depression.  I will cleanse my body of all the awful food I ate.  I am writing now and plan to work on some poems.  I will finished Jonathan Fisk's book Broken.  I will attend church on Sunday and feel the love of God through the people he has provided me with in my life.  I will partake in confession and absolution, and the Body and Blood of my Savior.  I will surround myself with my mental health strategies.






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