Metacognition

"I think I can think about thinking.
I think that I know what that means.
It's all about metacognition,
what's going on in my brain."

So I experienced metacognition about my depression onslaught on Friday.  It was like I was hovering outside my brain watching it downshift to depression.  Far from being uncomfortable it was easier to recognize that I was feeling depression and not sink into self pity.  It was interesting.

Was it my adult watching my child get bummed?  Or was it another committee member watching the other getting depressed?  It was good to recognize I was getting depressed and to acknowledge it instead of giving into it.

I can even pinpoint the exact time the depression hit- 3:30, Friday afternoon when I realized I was going to have to come in Sunday to do lesson planning.  I acknowledged that I can't do my job well because there is too much to humanly do.  I am not superwoman teacher and unless I stay late every night and work both Saturday and Sunday I can't do my job well.

I find this very discouraging and depressing.  I love my job of teaching but I can't bring 26 children to grade level when 16 of them are intensive AND teach to the new Common Core standards.  Add to that math studio requirements, PLC homework(Professional learning committees) and LPA writing pieces. I just want to throw in the towel.

It's an odd storm of events that seem to conspire to failure.  Moving reading to the afternoon seems to invalidate research, and how do I double dose 3/4 of my classroom plus the students being sent to me from the 1/2 blend? That's another whole set of lesson plans to create to meet the needs of a diverse number of students.

Of course it does not help that I am in chronic pain with my back and am trying to hold out to Christmas break to do the surgery.

So I go to my light treatment for psoriasis after school because the trunk of my body is fully engaged in lesions from the stress of school.  (That's depressing too- a scabby body.)  I itch. I hurt. I scale.  What to do?

I decided on a nice bottle of S. Oregon wine and maybe a micro brew.  I stopped at Harry and David's and found a red and a white wine to try.  I did my grocery shopping and found a nice micro brew.  By then it was too late to cook because that would involve standing which was painful. I was having a difficult time walking with the back pain.  I needed something exotic in my world to go with my beverages.  I picked Sushi.

The beer was delicious and I loved the wasabi burn.  I could not find a comfortable way to sit so I laid on the floor to relieve my back.  I knew I had a date with Tylenol PM and my bed.  Those little shopping moves relieved my depression "cognition".

Another thing contributing to the "metacognition" was a conversation thread going online with my single confessional Lutheran ladies.  I was glad to hear them talk of missing sex and secret crushes they had on men.  It made them more human and more like me.  It also disturbed my feelings of being alone.  I can't even do any dating sites or anything like that yet because I am still not divorced.  Yes I take adultery seriously.  I am still married.

 I just long for that glow of feeling special to someone.  That sheen of attention where I feel alive in myself.  Where I feel beautiful and appreciated.  Where I don't feel alone.  Feelings that I hate having because I should be able to function on my own without the need of a man.  It must be a God-given hole in our hearts where we long to be a couple instead one alone.

I was so tempted to to sign up for a dating site just to have the attention of getting contacts from men who are interested in me.  Frankly the thought of dating terrifies me.  I have heard so many horror stories.  It creeps me out.  I don't even know what it would look like or feel like to date.  I did not do that well in my youth. The two men I had relationships with were so damaged that it took a toll on my self worth.  I don't even think I am capable of a "healthy" relationship yet.

Then I have this horrid dream where number 1 son is in the valley for a month and does not contact me.  It hurt.  It also reminded me once again of my broken relationship with my sons.

Things are just broken in my life and I need them healed.  The only one I can heal is myself.  I am doing that.  Maybe that is why the hovering of my metacognition outside my body tempered my feeling of depression.  I can't do my job- I can only do the best that I can and love my students.  I can't mend the relationship with my boys.  I can only wait for them to heal.  I can't date and I am probably not even ready to date.  I only have my God and myself and a ton of great friends!  That will have to be enough.

I know it gets easier.  It already has been easier to be alone.

By the way- the white wine was good- the red not so good.