Job

I could feel like Job today if I let myself.  Man, I am using all my mental health strategies as hard as I can today because I cannot let myself go to that deep dark place anymore. I am crying, but I am also talking to God, family, friends, and myself.

First of all, I found out on June 4 from a big envelope in the mail, that I was actually divorced on May 7, 2013.  My lawyer never bothered to inform me that I was divorced until he sent me the stipulated signed judgement paper.  Furthermore, I found out from Pat that he got the money from the house sale that my lawyer put in trust , a week ago.  I have not received my share.  The stipulated judgment papers contained errors and he did not change the things he told me he would change.

God does provide us with friends that help.  My old neighbor from Sterling Creek just happens to be a divorce layer and offered to help me go through the papers and tell me what to do.  She so lovingly and graciously walked me through the whole thing, explaining it to me.  She also helped me prepare a list of things I need to do.  I have a plan now.  I am executing that plan now.  Unfortunately, my lawyer has not even bothered to return my phone calls.

I plan to show up Monday, and the check had better be ready.

So after thinking through things, talking with God, friends, and family and working out (all mental health strategies) I arrived at a sort of peace and self confidence in myself.  These are good feelings.

I walked my dog this morning, checking my emails, and I have an email from my brother in law asking me if my youngest son Chuck got married yesterday.  He saw it on Facebook.  Even though I have suspected all along that Chuck would try to hurt me this way, it was a blow.  So I sent out text messages to see what the other boys knew and what Pat knew.  Pat texted me back and confirmed that Chuck got married yesterday.

So I have been crying off and on all morning.  It hurts so much that he did not tell me or invite me, his own mother, to his wedding. (OK having a Job moment right now)  Most importantly though, I went into my adult and my positive self talk.

I am so glad he married Val.  I like Val.  He has lived with her for 2 years, and I just could not understand why he didn't marry her if he loved her.  I texted him Congratulations and God's blessings on his marriage.  I also called him and left a message about how happy I am for both of them!  And I mean it.

Then I called my mommy and cried.


I sent text messages to my sisters informing them of the marriage.  I announced on Facebook he got married.  I stole his picture off facebook to post.  I was positive and happy about it, all the while sobbing inside.

Today I will go and work out.  I will call my counselor for an appointment.  Tomorrow I will go to Divine Service and get absolution from my sins and the Sacrament of Communion. I will remember my Baptism and how Christ suffered for me and knows my pain. I will listen to God's Word for me, and I know I will get peace from HIM! I will get hugs and love from all my friends.  I will chant my verse over and over in my head:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."  Proverbs 3:5

Because I don't understand it.  I know I was and am a good mom.  I can't even begin to see how this will work its way out.  I know I cannot lean on my own understanding because I don't understand it.  God does, and He has a plan for me and my life. All I can do is trust.


I know the pain will fade eventually.  I need to not feel sorry for myself.  I need to not be bitter and angry.  I need to stay in my adult.  I need to be proactive in my mental health strategies.  I need to pray and TRUST in God for my life.