Yesterday was a day full of triggers for depression. I am glad to say I made a conscious decision to face them and work through them instead of avoiding them. It probably is one of those 1 step forward kind of deals. I am just happy that I was able to do it and it wasn't bad. There is progress in my life.
First of all, I stayed home, accept for a dash to get my light treatment. To be frank, I am sick of people right now and needed to be alone. During the Higher Things trip there was not much "alone" time. Besides being tired, the constant time with other people contributed to my crankiness. I recognized this and tried to keep a rein on the "bitchiness". I did not always succeed.
In order to preserve friendships and my sanity I needed a day alone to catch up on living. I needed to do laundry, clean, and put things away. I caught up on Face
book and friended my new friends. I still struggle though with too much think time on my hands. I resisted the urge to go anywhere because:
Pat wants half the family pictures and my goal is to get them all scanned this summer. It is difficult to look at the boys and and Pat when we were young and a family. It is such a contrast to where I am right now. I plowed my way through it and finished one album. (Circa 1994-95) One good thing that was reaffirmed for me is that I was and am a good mother.
The boys still don't talk to me much. I was very hurt and disappointed that Tim did not contact me in any form while I was in S. California. They are just not cutting me any slack in anything. I am trying to stay in my adult and not lash out. Everyone keeps assuring me they will come back again someday. It is easy to doubt and harder to have faith. I am determined to keep the lines of communication open and keep working on myself. My life is not tied up in their lives anymore.
Then I finally got a hold of my lawyer's office. I was beginning to think he had skipped town. It has been three months since he has communicated with me. No returned calls or emails either. I talked to the secretary yesterday and did finally find out the court date. I had two different conflicting dates in the paperwork. My court date is August 24, 2012.
It is ludicrous to me that I even have to got through a court date. Pat is insistent on not splitting his retirement with me. He is trying to prove that my PERS retirement is going to be so much more in the future that he should not have to split his retirement with me.
When I asked the secretary if I needed to bring anything she told me my latest PERS statement. (Which I had already sent back in May. Yes my lawyer really is paying attention to me! NOT!)
Also she wanted to know how much my PERS was when we got married to tell Pat's lawyer, The thing is, and as I have told them, I did not start teaching till my 40's. I only have 14 years in PERS. Ludicrous!
I have already decided I am not spending any more on lawyers and I'm just going to let the judge decide. I think I am being the reasonable one here. All in all, God is the one in control and He WILL take care of me just as He has always done.
It did bring up feelings of panic, anger, and fear. I resisted the urge to talk to anyone else about it. I will go through this and I will stay in my adult. I will probably talk to someone about it this week but not yet. Though I am talking about it now with all of you!
I also did my yoga which has it's own memories attached to it. It's getting easier to examine those memories as I stretched. The body felt good afterwards. The brain was easier to calm down.
I got to bed at 10:30 and slept. I had 1 "nightmare" about teaching VBS. Guess I'd better start prepping for that! (grin!)
Yes I am alone but yet not alone. I am a family of 1 in my immediate family. I am one of many in my Father's family. I am loved.
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