Counseling

Notes from last week’s counseling session.  May 17, 2012

In which I gained some insights into my relationships.

Don’t let hurt influence a relationship.

When I started with “old flame”, I was in my adult.  He responded in his child, which brought my child out.  I reacted as my child and lost valuable ground in my struggle to stay in my adult.  My adult is an awesome person.  She is valuable, smart, and beautiful.  In my child I became whiny, hurt, nagging, needy and had a total loss of confidence and self esteem.  Instead of engaging as an adult and treating myself as a competent adult I melted into this mess of feelings.

I also realized “my old flame” has not been honest with me from the get go.  He lies by his silence and his unwillingness to communicate with me.  He is incapable in this moment of engaging in a relationship.  Plus our worldviews are opposed.  It could only end.  It doesn’t stop the feelings I have for him but in my adult I realize I need to let him go so he can heal, just as I need to heal.

I need to have my adult in charge of my life.  You can’t let the children run the classroom. I need to hear my child’s feelings but realize they are skewed in her five-year-old reality.  Whenever I feel “justified”, I need to take another look.  Most likely it is a trigger and I am not in my adult.  I need to be responding not reacting.  If I am reacting I’ve been triggered.

I realize it is hard to wait to feel special.  But that is where I am now.  I am in a waiting mode where I can’t really move forward in my life till I am divorced.  I can practice but I can’t act.

I also learned that I tend to pick a fight or antagonize to get a reaction. I need to get the little girl to stop pushing people away when angry.  The little girl thinks no one likes her or that she is good at anything.  She thinks that people think she is stupid and incompetent.

How ironic that in my evaluation by my principal she said I need to recognize how good I am at my job and stop thinking that I am always at a deficit in my learning.  I am liked and respected.  People do like me.

Where do I go from here? I keep my affirming self-talk going.  I recognize my triggers.  I use my strategies to beat back depression.  I engage in my friends, treat myself nice, and trust in God to take care of me.  I go towards…