Next Steps...

the snake....

Remember back a month ago when I was suppose to practice sitting down in my apartment between the hours of 5-7, and either read or watch a TV program?  The goal was to start being comfortable sitting and doing nothing in my apartment.  My problem has been I find myself having to keep consistently busy to avoid "thinking".  With school I found myself still just going, going, going all the time.

When I finished in my room last Friday I was immediately attacked by the feelings of,

"OMG, it's summer and I have nothing planned and what am I going to do with all that TIME?  How am I going to stop myself from thinking and feeling sorry for myself?"

I knew I should not be alone this last weekend so I invited myself over to the Nelson's house.  They are my adopted family who love me and always make me feel part of their family.  It worked!  As a result we made plans to finally move their extra TV over to my place for Monday.  I get 50 channels free with my rent.  I let Pat have the TV and I took the computer.

Today they came over and and helped me design my living area for the TV.  Perry also did the "manly" jobs for me that have puzzled me for so long.

It's not like I am a girly girl but definitely more cerebral than mechanical.

He fixed my BBQ, checked my air filter and installed it the correct way, and hooked up my TV to cable and my computer.  Carolyn fixed my bookshelf and Nikki vacuumed.  It was lovely and I am so grateful for the friends God has put in my life.

While Perry was flipping through my channels I had flashbacks to watching TV.  I was actually excited about getting A and E, TBS, TCM, and the weather channel.  I really do get 50 channels!    Even though my gut reaction was I'm letting the "snake" into my "garden of Eden" I actually felt excited about watching TV again.

I have not really missed TV.  I watched "Desperate Housewives" and "Greys Anatomy" on Hulu.  I have been content with that and Facebook, and my writing. 

I also realized that it was a year ago this last weekend that I moved into this apartment.  Maybe it is time to finally "unpack" my life, i.e. , my boxes...  

I am not going back to Pat or my marriage.  He has not changed nor even tried to change.  I know I cannot change him or anyone else.  I can only change myself.  For better or worse, this is my life now.

My children are grown and successful in their lives.  They have jobs, homes, and their own lives.  I have me and that is ok.  I have a job I love.  I have a mom, and 3 sisters who love me.  I have dear good friends who love me.  I have a church family that loves and cares for me.  I have a pastor who not only teaches me, but is a dear friend who is there for me in prayer and in person.  Most important I have a God who loves me so much He sent His son to die for me so that I may rise and be with Him in heaven someday.  I have a God who will always have my back and will always take care of me no matter what happens to me in this life.

So it is time I believe to watch mindless TV and pick up a book and read again.  I start tonight.  I will turn on the TV, pet the dogs in my lap, and just maybe have a book open to read on the commercials.

It's time.