Today was a day of "testing" for me. 3 times I downshifted to child and was able to remain in my adult. I don't like this feeling of the child being in control but I was able to talk her down.
At my last session my counselor mentioned that I was operating more in my adult then she has seen before. I have noticed it too. But man oh man is it hard. I asked does it ever get easier? I guess it does but it is quite the struggle right now for me. I am starting to recognize my triggers and instead of just avoiding them I have been able to confront them more.
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Here is what I wrote down from my last session:
The truth is always my ally.
Don't anticipate. Don't anticipate the trouble I think is going to happen.
Fear drives a lot of our reactions.
When confronted by this fear ask myself,
"What is the worst that can happen?"
Be vague and clarify. There is some information I don't have to reveal. Make them ask. For example when calling in sick,
"I will not be able to come in to work today."
It puts it on them if they want to know. I don't need to explain and reveal everything.
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Today in math studio I had one of those moments. I have been totally lost in my group from yesterday and in my homework. I know my method was too labor intensive and I know there is a simpler way to do the problem but I could not figure out an entry point for the problem. I was in a group with 2 middle school people and 2 intermediate people. They went way beyond where I could even go with the math. So I tuned out.
In my next group I was even more at lost. Finally when I was trying to get back into it and ask for clarification with the teacher next to me we were shushed for talking while someone else was talking.
BAM! My child was out front , pissed, and angry. The tears welled up in my eyes and I wanted to hurt someone. I was especially hating the instructor for assuming that everyone was following along with what was being discussed in the room.
As soon as the tears started I realized I was in my child and the wild emotions I was feeling were because my child was feeling so very insecure, neglected,angry, and hurt. I quickly took a bathroom break to calm myself down. I somewhat succeeded but when it came time to reflect I I let it rip and was brutally honest about what I got out of it. Not much!
Consequently she rearranged the groups probably because of what I wrote. I was put with another person having difficulty (yeah I am not the only one!) The other 2 I figure were put with us to be good mentors.
I did spend my time with the math vocabulary. It reaffirms me and calms me down to look at words. I've added several to my knowledge base and I can't wait to play with them in poetic form to make meaning for me. In talking with "lay" people tonight I realized how much I did pick up today.
On a sweet reaffirming note - the poor lady who set me off last summer came in to talk to me today and told me she brought a box of tissues this time. I was so horrible to her in my child last summer and once I got over it, I adored her as an instructor. I still feel bits of embarrassment and shame that I went off on her last year. How gracious and kind she is to not only forgive me but continue to mentor me. Plus she learned that there are emotional, math scared, basket cases out there who need boxes of tissues!
I don't feel any thing like this for this year's instructor. It's probably just me. I do not want to do what I did last year and I do not want to cry in math studio. But I am not feeling any warm fuzzes for this lady. I also still do not have the fascination that most of my classmates have for numbers.
Sigh....
Anyway here are my words for today. Definitions to follow...
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decontextulize me.
break my whole
into parts.
Go from 1 to 2:
a wedge embedded in wood.
Applied force,
maul, cedar, kindling.
Combinatorics:
the problem of counting splinters.
Numbers,
where the order doesn't matter.
Combinations:
Let me list:
Wood, wedge, maul.
the permutations
where order matters.
Force produces changes
in movement
and in the shape of my life.
the force of the wedge
on wood,
the heft of the maul,
gravity and strength,
for splitting life apart.
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Then I had to see my soon to be ex husband and withstand those triggers. I did and it leaves me just-
sad....
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