Monday, August 20, 2012

DREAD

I am so dreading this next Friday- my court date.  I have not heard from my lawyer.  I don't know where the trial is, where to meet my lawyer, what time to be there, should I wear something special?  What should I expect?  What even happens!?  I'm not feeling very confident in my lawyer right now and it adds to my anxiety.

I wonder will this truly be the end?  How will it settle?  He revoked all other agreements so what does that mean for what I get?  I know the lawyer from up North will testify about the time/fraction ruling for PERS.  I know there is a legal precedence for the ruling.  But what happens to the other assets now?  What happens if nothing is settled?  Will there have to be ANOTHER court date far in the future?

Will I truly be divorced by this next Friday?

I do not want to cry in court.  I want to be in my adult.  I want to break down in private not public.

I can't go back to Pat the way he is now.  He has not changed and I can't live like that anymore.  I am a different person than I was a year ago.

I try not to worry about the money.  I fear there won't be anything left after all debt is settled.  My brain tries to skitter away from those thoughts.  I keep talking to God and repeat my mantra, "He will take care of me.  He always has taken care of me."

I am comforted by the thought that Pastor said he would be there with me.  I know I have great many friends praying for me also.  (Hey everyone out there I would appreciate prayers also.)

Then I worry about the boys.  They don't really speak to me now.  Will they ever again talk to me?  Will they always hold this against me?  Even though I am not the one who filed for divorce.  I did leave.  It was a safety issue even though they don't believe that of their dad.  They never saw him on both alcohol and prescription drugs.  For that matter I doubt Pat even remembers the things and actions he did to me.  I am to blame to for my lack of respect for him.

I want this to be over with without having to sit through court.  I want my boys to talk to me again.  I want the scab growing over the wounded skin.  Give me strength....

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