The past 2 days I have had to see my husband or talk to him over the phone. I find this very unsettling. As confident as I am feeling in myself now I still get moments of vulnerability around him. It stirs up my disequilibrium and I have to calm myself down.
We are trying to get our vehicles out of joint ownership. I am taking a loan out on my car to pay off the 401K loan he has on it, plus I am able to pay off two other debts. By consolidating all my debt into 1 payment it will give me the amount I will need to pay him spousal support. It feels good to be in control of my finances.
What doesn't feel good is to have to look at him, hear him, and converse with him. There is sadness, disbelief, and disequilibrium. He wore overalls today, unbuttoned on the side to allow for weight gain. His face is puffy. His voice raspy. He can still talk it and charm other people. He mentioned being allergic to gluten in his conversation with loan officer.
Disbelief that he has changed so little. Disbelief my marriage is over. Second guessing my agreement to pay spousal support. I don't see how I could have fought it. I can't believe he has so little respect for himself that he even asked me for it. How sad and low he has become.
The worst was when I asked him about his job and whether they were still trying to get rid of him. (I should NEVER EVER ask him about personal things because I will hear things I don't want to hear.) Yes they are and they haven't because they think he is going to quit. He's going to move, move in with Charles. He implied Johan was moving too.
Immediately I was plunged into anguish and turmoil. The boys talk to him. They don't talk to me. That HURT! I tried to immediately calm myself down with the thought of-
"Wait till Charles and Val have to live with him and take care of him."
I can't see Charles tolerating him for very long. Val would have to get rid of her cat. Is this why he wanted spousal support? To be able to move in with Chuck? Did he ask Johan if he could move in with him? Is that why Johan is moving? I can't see Johan tolerating him either for very long. Is he dying? How will he pay for medical care?
I cannot go there. It hurts too much to think my boys hate me and want nothing to do with me. I have to trust that someday they will come around and talk to me. I need to remember I have a great support system here and he has no one but the boys. I have to keep my eyes on the future and what I am doing with my life.
See what I mean by the stirring of disequilibrium?
We are doing our job with the finances. I doubt my lawyer is doing his job as quickly. He has to write the judgement. Even Pat's lawyer cannot get a hold of him. He has the proceeds from our house in a trust fund. I want to see if we can get that money so we can pay off our joint debt. After that I will be down to 1 payment.
Then I will take the budget class and get in control of my finances. I will learn how and be successful at it because I have a growth mindset and not a fixed mindset!
I am going to keep my eyes on the "prize." My new life...
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