Thursday, August 16, 2012

Trauma in Math Studio







I can say it here, right?  DAMN I hate crying in Math Studio!  I totally lost it again today and I am embarrassed and drained by the emotional turmoil I felt today.  Damn the brain.  Damn the emotions.  Damn the lack of self control.

We started a a math problem yesterday that was a growing pattern in an oddly shaped array.  The perceived math geniuses in my group( high math status)  immediately seemed to go to an algebraic formula.  Me?  I'm looking for the pattern.  I look at it and see 3 different pieces of the array growing.  The middle school and intermediate are seeing array of cubes and rectangles and manipulating the pieces to make sense.  Not me.  I feel stupid and inadequate.

I kept asking them to explain to me how their algebraic formula looked using tiles.  Why didn't the model reflect the formula?  They could not explain it too me so I could understand.  I knew what they were saying I just could not see it in the model representation.

The next day we went back to the discussion.  I kept stating I did not understand and wanted  clarification.  They really tried to explain to me.  I panicked.  I went into fight/flight mode.  A fellow colleague just rubbed me raw.  She rushed my thinking and my brain shut down.  I knew I was downshifting to child but I thought I was using my "I " statements. In my past I would have not said anything.  I thought I was doing well telling her that what she was saying was not helping me.  She seemed so "know it all".  I totally took it wrong and personally.  I used my "I" statements and then fled to the bathroom to cry.

I really wanted to sit in the corner of the bathroom and cry but I kept myself from doing that.  It felt too dramatic.  It wasn't as bad as I was last summer sitting by the tree for an hour sobbing.  This was maybe 20 minutes and then I went back to the room to do the math.

I took all the ideas presented by my group and played with the tiles.  The teacher came by to talk to me and I was able to sob out my explanation of what I was doing.  She directed me to ignore what was so bothering me.  (What would the minus 1 figure look like?  Was it a 4 that stayed the same or  a two?)

With her help I came up with the algebraic formula.

 (n x n) + (n +1) + (n +2).

I spent a good 30 minutes by myself doing the math and it was OK with the instructor.  She let me take the time to make sense of the the math.  I appreciate that very much!

So as soon as I had the child melt down I went straight to adult mode.  In between tears my vocabulary kicked up a notch and I participated in a very rational way.  I also felt very drained and worn out from the emotional turmoil. I compensated by focusing in on what I am good at intellectually.  Or should I say what I feel like I am intellectually good at .  That would be WORDS!

I am always so embarrassed by my child.  She can flip out when threatened and I am so hyper sensitive in math.  More than one person has told me I am too hard on myself.  I am.  It is also very real to me.  I have a difficult time convincing myself I can do the math and I am capable of doing it.

Sometimes I so weary of this battle with my math emotions.  I don't want a fixed mindset anymore with math.  I try very hard to be in the growth mode even when it is so painful too me.  I do persevere.  I work very hard at this.  I take comfort and pride that I do try so hard to do the math.  I never want children to have to go through what I am going through.  It is brutal!  It is extremely painful.  It is my journey.  It is a metaphor for my life.



Tonight we had a meet and greet at the Red Lily winery to meet our new principle. At the vineyard I read my messages from Face book.  The person I had problems with today, did not see that she did anything wrong.  Are we all so unaware of our word, our tone, our voice?  I know it is not just me and my emotional baggage.  I have heard other people speak the same about this person.  It makes me wonder what I don't hear about myself in my interactions with my students and colleagues.

I am emotionally drained.  That is what math does to me.  It sucks at my inner core.  It goes to raw.  I am at my worst with math.  It is a mighty battle for me to go to math studio and remain calm and rational.  I am just a centimeter away from emotional chaos when it comes to math.

I persevere. It is a talent of mine.  It may hurt like hell and strike my inner core, but it is the key to my getting healthy with myself.
Awesome colleagues from Oak Grove!

I also met up with some "Ruch" people from Sterling Creek. Old neighbors.  It was good to reconnect!

The Short bus sisters!


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